I have decided to Just Do It!  I love to write journal entries and honestly, I figured what a better way than to blog my thoughts.  To talk about everything I want to talk about here, to express my fears, my faith, my love(s), my experiences, my trials and tribulations.   It’s all going to be good!  My hope is that it will help to touch others lives…even if it’s only one person; even if only my kids or close friends who read it one day, that’s great!   I want my blog to not hold back.  For several years I’ve wanted to write a book, I’m not entirely sure what I want from it, but I want to talk about my life…my relationship with God, how I got to this point and the reasons I believe I am who I am.  As I sit and think about the possibility that my cancer has returned and possibly full force, death stares me in the eyes much differently.  When I endured the PET Scan on Friday afternoon, I felt as though I could feel what they injected into me, in all sorts of places.  I don’t remember that when I had my last PET Scan in January, 2015.  I had more pain and discomfort, was nauseous for longer and although I really want to be wrong, I have a feeling that it is back.  It’s not that I’m being negative, but I feel that God is preparing me ahead of time for this outcome and to get myself focused on what I need to do to fight it.  I pray I’m wrong and the message I’m hearing isn’t what I am thinking.  I just know that I want to push full speed ahead and fight this crappy thing called cancer.  My cancer, EHE (Epithelioid Hemangioendothelioma) is quite the thing.  What’s interesting to me, is I DID do research after I was diagnosed in June, 2011 with it.    I knew it was a very rare sarcoma cancer and there wasn’t a ton of information on it.  When I looked it up, most of the things I read about anyone passing away from it was older people who had it in their liver and lungs.  I really just thought that it didn’t apply to me because I had it in a concentrated area (my throat) and  that was removed with clear margins!  Really, after visiting the Dana Farber Cancer Institute in Boston, I gained more confidence upon return.  When I left DFCI, they had told me that they’d thought my chances of it returning was 30-40%, they recommended radiation and I prepared myself for this.  The day before I went in to be measured for the start of my radiation, my doctor in Boston, Dr. Butrynski (a great guy) called me and said that if I was there today, they wouldn’t recommend radiation and that upon further looking into what they can find on the cancer they think my chances of it returning is less than 10%.  Okay…so I made the decision after much prayer and some consultation with Dr. Bergstrom.  I did have to go have scans every three months for the first two years and then every six months for the three years after that.  My journey started.  Lots of appointments, a wrong read on a referral and the fact that I saw the wrong doctor for three years (he was kind of an ass), and then the move to my oncologist was all part of the long process I was going through.  I’ve always felt fine and had nothing else going on.  I had a PET Scan January, 2015 and it was all clear and so I was very confident at that point, that it wasn’t going to rear its ugly head again!  With that being said, my follow up for June, 2015 I had to try and reschedule and that didn’t happen.  They could reschedule me in July, but I was already moving to Arizona.  Time passed, change of insurance, less money and actually still just feeling fine I had no worries and I was planning on going in the summer, most likely June to be checked.  Well, for a few months now I’ve not been feeling well.  Tired, sore muscles and joints, shortness of breath (thought I was just WAY out of shape), pain in my upper abdomen (thought it’s my lapband giving me issues), then I got pneumonia and had to go through two rounds of antibiotics because it wasn’t getting all the way better.  In the meantime, I decide to google search my type of cancer again.  Find a Facebook page JUST for those of us with EHE!  Awesome!  Led me to gather more information as there is now a doctor researching it; I think we are up to about 200+ people in the world with it now and some progress towards finding some information.  In that whole process of me “researching” it, I found that many of the people in the group who spoke of it being in their liver or lungs or bones were having many of the symptoms I’ve had then for the last few months.  Can’t lie….a little bit of fear ran through me.  So, I scheduled my appointment with my oncologist and she’s concerned about my symptoms (but at the same time the same symptoms can be anything else), and so a PET Scan was ordered.  I realize because of this kind of cancer most of us have some anxiety when there is pain or things like that because it “could” be that it’s returned.  Fightehe.org is the website to begin looking into it and for making donations to our foundation!  It seems it’s not covered financially by anyone but private funding through fundraising. Now, I’m waiting for the results of that scan.  Crazy how slow time seems to go by when you’re waiting for something so critical to your life.  Otherwise, life is flying by!  It’s late, I’ve talked a lot and I feel better.  Good night and God bless.