I wonder how many people define marriage as only, a legal union between man and woman, or between you and me?  That’s how I used to think of it.  I saw it as something I was legally bound to, something that I knew my heart was bound to as well but I wasn’t sure why or what that was?  I did believe that marriage, between you and me, was forever…I believed once you said, “I do,” there was no breaking that up.  Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?  Instead I have been married…and divorced twice.  TWICE.  If that doesn’t make one feel like somewhat of a failure, I’m not sure what can.  When I got married the first time, December 20, 1986, I knew that he wasn’t what I wanted in a partner at that moment, but I was hopeful.  Hopeful that he would “grow” to be the man he should be and I would grow into the woman that I should be.  Our relationship “lasted” for fifteen years.  It was a relationship full of turmoil, mistrust, abuse of every kind and I believed that I had to stay married forever.  I worked diligently to be a great mom and a better wife and to convince him that I was worth loving, our family was worth loving.  That was such a lonely place I was bound in for all of those years.  My second marriage ended after seven years and it was an incredibly dark time for me as well.  I again entered a marriage believing in what I heard or what I believed would be and that saying “I do,” meant it was forever.  Something I didn’t do well with was believing more in ones actions than their words.  So at the end of my second failed marriage I went through several years of soul searching, more counseling, working to be the best mom that I could be to my children, the best teacher I could be to my students, and the best friend I could be to others.  I did a lot of work and with time I came to understand the key to it all.  The key to it all was my relationship with Christ.

Fast forward to today…I am more in love with and fulfilled by my love for Christ than I could ever have imagined being and I know I’m not finished growing yet!  I accepted Jesus as my savior in February of 1995 and those next ten years, okay maybe twelve, I was struggling with what that relationship should look like and what I believed it to be.  I did believe in God, I did believe in His power and strength, I did believe He was my savior, but I did not truly believe He loved me for me nor that He had my back through it all.  I did not truly believe that I could find my strength in Him or that He loved me no matter what I did or said.  Such shame and judgment is what I kept myself in the midst of for all of those years; shame for things I’d said, things I’d done, what had happened to me in my past or all of the choices I’d made over the years.  In reality, He showered me with grace, He loved me through it all and would never give up on me and I finally KNEW that was the truth in my heart!  What a freeing feeling!  Did I all of a sudden stop screwing up things in my life?  Nope!  I sure didn’t and still, God never left me or would forsake me.

Each day, I pray for my children’s marriages and marriages to be.  I pray that God will be the center of their marriage and their foundation on which they stand.  I know the struggles that a marriage brings, then you add children and finances and in-laws, the different ways you were raised and the baggage that comes along and the struggles seem unending at times.  I pray in the midst of all of that they will never forget that marriage takes more than you and me, it takes three.  My daughter just got married on Friday, October 20 and my boys were in attendance with their wives as well and I had this overwhelming feeling of God’s love and blessings.  I know in my heart that He has their backs too and that He loves them no matter what they say or do.  I know that it’s my responsibility as their mom, mother-in-law and grandma (Neena) to my grandkids, to continue my prayers for their marriages and for their families.  Pray for them to continue to stand on His solid ground and to trust in Him with all of their hearts. Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”